2nd half of the year

So since the last time i wrote was june, let’s re-cap then until now…

That girl Kerry was a bust and it didn’t work out to anything…   that’s life, not much more to say about that.

Summer basically rolled through with not much happening here locally.  Had a swell weekend out east with marc, lauran, and susie.  went to the wineries, met up with adam and jenny in greenport for some great seafood.  and then finished the evening with some delicious sushi with marc’s parents.  mmm, delicious day.

it was around mid-july that jessica entered my life.  An artist in my company from quebec, we became friends based on a misunderstanding on her try to grasp the english language.  It went something like this:

Corey: Is your MSN working?

Jess: Yes it’s working, but it don’t make sense that it don’t.

Corey: What do you mean?

Jess: I am home here.

Corey: I don’t understand?  You live in the office?

And so it began from there, day in/day out, we talked all the time, became really good friends.  it was one of those situations that no one would understand it unless it happened to them.  we would IM all day at work, sometimes video conference, and then once we got home would speak for hours online or by phone.  She was amazing, and i found myself daydreaming constantly about her.  I even started foregoing my more local friendships just so i can stay home and talk to her.  It was around early to mid-september that i all of a sudden felt something change.  I can’t remember what movie i was watching but i was in a theater one day and then i  found myself not even paying attention to it and thinking of her, and then i felt a tingle; sort of a chill run through me, and that’s when i think my friendship to her shifted to something more of a love, i desired her.  i suppressed it for the time being, i was almost afraid to say anything to “rock the boat”.

Now throughout this whole time, there’s the Richard factor.  He was her good friend in Quebec and they were together for a while.  He decided he didn’t want a serious relationship with Jess, but yet they stayed friends (benefits).  His jealousy started to develop when he realized how much time we were speaking to each other.  He started bad-mouthing me to her, and to her dis-credit, she for some reason, started to believe it.  I never understood this, why he cared so much about who she was talking to when he voluntarily gave her up.  It frustrated me to no end, because she would tell me everything he said.  I don’t know what i would do if i ever saw him again.

So during the last week or so of september, the talk became a little more flirtatious than normal with both of us.  feelings seemed to be showing more apparent, and we started to express desire to finally meet each other in person.  on 9.28, everything came out, i was interested in her, and she was into me.  She actually came out with it first, and once i saw it was out there, i didn’t hesitate to tell her what i was thinking, and all about that feeling i had a few weeks prior in the theater.  i felt like i was in heaven, this beautiful, talented woman was thinking the exact same thing i was.  within the following week, i purchased a plane ticket and reserved a car to go up to quebec for a long weekend which we were both ecstatic about.  i found myself having a hard time sleeping at nights because i would lie awake thinking of the moment i finally embraced her.  it was 17 days from when i bought it to when i was going.  it seemed like it was going to be forever, and it ended up being that way.

she started telling me about the increased talk from richard of why i was “really” coming up there.  “a guy doesn’t come up from ny to quebec to see a girl without expecting something”.   on 10.12, i spoke to her on the phone that night, we had a great conversation, even though that week it started to get a little sketchy with our situation.  we laughed and joked just like old times.  i had no idea, though, that she was testing me.

on 10.13, exactly 1 week before i was flying up there, i came into work, we started IM’ing as usual…  about 2 hours into the day, she paused me to tell me “we have to talk about something”.  that’s the exact moment everything changed for us, and it would, nor could ever, go back to the way it was.  She was still feeling a strong love for richard and she felt she shouldn’t betray that feeling and try and work something out with him, even though he expressed he didn’t want to in the not-so-distant past.  this left me out in the cold, no say in the matter.  i was devastated, as i thought that was one of the reasons i was coming up there, so we can figure out if there was a future there or not.  the decision was made for me, however, before i could step on Canadian soil.  i was pretty upset that it was all done on IM, and not at least face-to-face, or at the very minimum, the night before when we were talking on the phone.  it seemed like a cowardly way to go; a post-it note solution.

and that’s what she was testing me on, 1 last chance to see where her heart was swaying towards.

so after i showed disappointment, which she sadistically decided she wanted to watch on a video conference, she got very upset, started crying in the office.  i got her to come back to her desk and we calmed down a bit.  i remember one of the last things i said to her that day was “you know, i think we’re going to be ok” which she seemed to agree to at the time.

Part 2 will come tomorrow, going to bed, nyquil going into effect…

so out of nowhere…

i went on a date with a girl named Kerry last night that seemed to go pretty well…  not going to say anymore about it now, will see where it goes first.

to be continued. 

feel used and betrayed

i wish i didn't, but i do.

she went through her own personal melt down from the holidays on through about early february. i never hated the moping, the crying, or the anger. i stood by her, tried to help her as much as possible. i put out my hand in friendship and offered any condolence i could. when she felt like she had lost it all, her family, friend, and love all within a week, i tried to stand with her. whenever possible i would offer her a night out with my friends, often feeling bad that i couldn't do more. but we became good friends and spent a lot of time together laughing; engaging eachother in stories, some we've never told another person.

that was january… i miss january.
in may, i feel used. in may, those hurt feelings and emotions are gone and she seems able to stand on her feet, which is a good thing. but with that, has seemed to toss me aside. whereas she, in terms, used me as a crutch to get out of the most painful time, i now feel like she wants nothing to do with me. we don't talk as much anymore, we hardly ever IM each other at work anymore…  when she's home, she's usually holed up in her bedroom.  the times i feel like she still holds any sort of friendship towards me in her is when she has tasted alcohol. we argue constantly, and someone is always making the other go on the defensive. i've contemplated moving out recently. the $ of the apartment is what always keeps me. plus the fact that i know she doesn't want to be here either. her family doesn't live anywhere around here and she more than desperately wants to leave. and telling me this, how does that make me feel? "i am not enjoying living here at all; i just want to be somewhere else with all fabric of my being". thanks a lot!

Addendum

Decided to wait until after i got back from florida to start my diet…  also, wondering if the diet that i did in st.louis is going to work or be as feasible here in ny.  it was easier there, being that i lived alone, didn't go out, and didn't feel like i was missing anything.  here it's different, more active of a life, food is better.  just with the warmer weather and the upcoming bicycle purchase, i think the addition of the exercise will offset a lot of the shit i eat.  and if i just change it so i'm not eating like a glutten, the weight should also start to lose itself.  well, in theory…   

2006

so, 2006 is going to be like the year of self-improvement. i’m getting close to a month without a cigarette, today i’m starting my old diet again. i’m happy to say that i never gained any of my old weight back since 8/04. now it’s time to finish what i started, or at least another 20 by june/july. if i did that, i think i would weigh around the same as about 12th grade

hopefully, i’ll get the support i need from other people. it started bad already today, not that she knew i was dieting, but laura orders a large pizza and i’m sitting here starving because i don’t know what to eat for breakfast. it’s those temptations that i need to avoid. and the wedding in a week is going to get hard. the temptations, the fact that i’m not drinking for 2 weeks now to get the toxins out. get back on the vitamins, start moving again. going to join a gym when i get back from florida in april.

it’s all a matter to make me feel better. it was sus’ birthday yesterday and the whole time i was sitting in a pseudo-coma of depression and desire to curl up and not talk to anyone. this night was about her and i feel like i was ruining that for her and the others around me. but that’s how i know there was something wrong. and so far, all today, i see this imaginary smile on my face to try and mask the almost inevitable tears that may come at any time.

i’m almost just tired of just being the funny one. “corey, make us laugh”. sometimes i feel that’s all people see me as. i’m not the one who gets the girl or rides into the sunset. it was midnight on a friday night and a great friend’s birthday and all i wanted to do was slink out and crawl home, defeated. i’m looking around and everyone has theirs. their person that they’re sharing something secret with. and maybe this whole change in life is just a thinly disguised way of trying to make something much worse a little better. i mean, i know i have a really bad case of low self-esteem. and i should probably be talking to someone instead of keeping it in, but when the people around you are part of the problem, you don’t want to bring it up to them, without fear of offending them as their fault. it’s no one’s fault; it’s just the skewed way that i look at the world. maybe i should seek out someone professionally. it’s 2:12 on a saturday afternoon, i should try and do something to pick myself up; dust off this layer of ache and sadness and try to move easier through this world.

Quit smoking today

Laura and I were supposed to quit today, but she was done by around 1:00 this afternoon… i’m going strong on day 1!

random writing

this is an exercise that i used to do sometimes; it, on occasion, reveals things that are deep inside:
when i felt the warm rush of snow rise upon the dawn of the hill and pretend that it was something nurturing and something to hold onto when i’m slip sliding down into a mountian of humorous ideas, i thought to myself that it’s not so bad, this life i was born into…  a way out, an open door, maybe something that is not so dark, a feeling of content when all i want to do is bring a hug around my lifeless grey matter.

Quick update

2 weeks into the job and i’m already starting to come in late…  2/15, came in @ 9:45…  no one cares, but my work ethic has gone down so much since being unemployed.

First 3 days on the job

So it’s wednesday night, 2/8-9 at 1:00am… i’ve finished 3 days at this new job.  i’m a little drunk now…

The job is ok so far…  people are nice, friendly, younger…  i have more say in how the office goes than what i thought the job would be; i should be making more money. i will update more in the next few days, maybe when i haven’t been drinking.  it’s weird to have to wake up early again.  that’s the part i’ll never get used to.

I got the job…………..

So yeah, my cinderella, fairy-tale story is coming to an end on 2/6 when i start my new job.  I did get around my desired salary, so that’s sweet…  and it was kind of nice that i have another week to be a bum.